Journal entry June 8, 2018

What Matters

​Last year was amazing
The tour the film the people the service
The travel
The speeches
The love
The music

Amazing

It was also exhausting
Mentally
Physically
emotionally

Exhausting

By October I was empty
But still had work to do
By November i was done
By all accounts
In every way

I white knuckled my way thru
To the very last engagement
And then I retreated

I decided to be still

And I felt some kind of way
Cutting people off
And felt some kind of way about
People feeling some kind of way about
Me cutting them off
But i was doing what i knew how to do
To get back to
The me i needed
Vs
The me that was trying so hard to be and give and do
What everyone else needed

I needed to be quiet
And refocus
And say no
And be still
And listen

And i did

I needed to silence the noise
Remove the energy that was not for me
I needed to be me again
And i did it the best way i knew how
Seclusion

And it was wonderful

6 mos later
But not fully back
I took a trip home
And people literally stopped
Stared
And remarked at how different (good.well)
I looked

Like repeating themselves
In oohs
And aaahs
And blank stares
And “you look so good”s
Like if they had said it one more time
It would have been an insult lol

But it wasn’t

It was a reminder

That Karan is beautiful
But healthy Karan,

well

She glows

That when i take the time to be still
And give me the attention that i need
To refill
And do for me
There is a something all over me
That gives light

And people are so unaccustomed to seeing me glow
Because i am so unaccustomed to taking time to refill
And people are so unaccustomed to not having access to me
Because i am so accustomed to making myself accessible even when it is of no benefit to me
And me looking good is shocking
Because i so regularly run myself into the ground

And for what?
A grind?
Success?
Obligation?
Necessity?

I mean really
What is it for?

With that confirmation
And after the trip
I went back in

And here I sit
Smaller circle
Bigger life
Better
Ready
Glowing
And I say all of that to say this
Do what you need to do for you
The way you need to do it
When you need to do it
Where you need to do it
For as long as you need to do it

Because not doing it
Could cost you more than a feeling
It could cost you everything

And the people
The work
The feelings
The events
The happenings

Will all be alright

And if they are not
Fuck them

Because you will be alright
And you will be better
And you will be braver
And you will be ready
For the next people
And Work
And feelings
And events
And happenings

And the new will be better than the former
The new will be better than the former
The new will be better than the former
The new will be better than the former

And you will be better than ever

Be brave enough to choose you
Over everything

I did
And Baby
You ain’t ready
For what’s next

❤️
K-



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